Peace

Why did you die when I wasn’t there?
From all the others, I had surely earned the privilege most
You didn’t like it when I cried, I know
But why did you time it so precisely when I left you for a day?

The phone call, “Are you sitting down?”
You didn’t stop my tears or my crying out
“Please, just rewind the time!”
I would have no new second with you

Gathering my tears and the strength that no one had, 
I robotically conquered the hurricane of funeral and music and script and shit
I emptied your house and eradicated your spot
I dealt with vindictive family that was never there for you
Drawing energy from an empty soul
I think I also gave a speech 

It’s been four years
I still see you in your chair, looking for sweeteners for your coffee
Talking about your history and grandma.
You, supporting any and all of my possible futures
“If you want a biscuit, you’ll have to get them from the kitchen”
Being best friends over coffee and laughs.

It’s been four years and a day
I want the pain to be less
I want to feel you are looking out for me still
I want to be at peace

No, I don’t want to be at peace!
I want to go to the kitchen and get the biscuits for us